Focus on Love. Send out Love.

After September 11, 

I remember walking around the paved pathways of my college campus aimlessly,

sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, but always in the quiet.

 My mind was flooded with thoughts, but I was unsure about what, exactly.

I was young, and the world wasn’t quite so scary back then.

I knew there were things to be worried about -  feelings to be felt - but it was confusing 

and hard, and sometimes

 I felt ashamed for grieving for people I didn’t know.

 I felt as if I didn’t deserve to feel the same sadness as people more closely impacted by the terrorist attacks. 

image is my own

I know now, that there is  no gauge to measure sadness. 

The events in Boston this week bring the return of that empty feeling, with a lot of tears welling up and uncertainty as to where to direct my grief. 

 Similar to those early evenings back on campus, 

this week I've been going on slow, steady runs through the pathways of San Francisco. 

My eyes on the horizon, my thoughts pointed east. 

There is no gauge to measure sadness… but the same can be said for love. 

And so, I choose to fight fear with love. 

Focus on love. Send out love.

Moon Gazing

I used to think homesick was a feeling 

reserved for rainy days at summer camp, 

or long lonely weekends in a zip code still new to me.

But here I am, happier than a clam and feeling quite content

and that old distant feeling has snuck right up on me, 

like a mosquito to my neck. 

I suppose you can feel homesick when things go right too.

I'll be walking along, minding my thoughts 

and I'll see something completely ordinary to others,

but to me its anything but. 

A speckled feather on a path, a magnolia in bloom, 

a smoothed over river stone. 

I'll cross the street 

and my eye will catch a cat sunning itself in a window, 

or a ginkgo leaf laying in the shadows on the sidewalk.

image is my own

An op-ed in the paper, a funny spoof on tv, a sketch on a postcard or a chuckle at work.

And every so often, on a rare clear night,

 I'll look up to a full, plump moon.

Lately all of these simple

 daily discoveries make me miss my family. 

I feel settled and happy and excited and inspired,

and suddenly it seems a little strange to feel these things 

without my family close by to share it all with me.

This feeling will pass. 

But until then, 

I'll keep staring up, 

at that big old moon,

in that big old sky,

and think of you. 

xo

Promise Yourself

My sister introduced me to the cheerful words of Christian D. Larson.

I've shared a snippet of one of his pieces below.

Isn't that something? 

I think so. 

Because the whole world truly IS on your side.

Get out there and absolutely ace your day tomorrow, friends! 

And when the last email is sent, 

and the final conference call had, 

you can reward yourself with the beauty of the changing night sky. 

xo

image is my own
"To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 

- Christian D. Larson- 

Rise Free

It's been a while since last I posted.
For that, forgive me.
I've got thunder in my heart, and I'm heading north
where the mountains will echo my triumphant shrieks of glee.
And so, in the meantime,
I leave you with a simple thought for Thursday.
Be well, my friends, and do as Thoreau says.

"Rise free from care before the dawn, and seek adventures."

-Henry David Thoreau- 

image 

Hindsight

The past few weeks were tremendously challenging for me.
I felt like my brain had been hijacked.
I couldn't manage my thoughts, or articulate my feelings.
I couldn't possibly know, or convince myself, that things would be okay.
I couldn't find the right words to express my emotions,
and for someone who gains solace from writing,
this was probably the most frustrating challenge of all.
I'd smile and shrug and try my best to assure my friends and family
that I believed them when they'd tell me
that everything was going to work out.
I tried to convince them I accepted the notion
that when one door closes another will open.
At the time, I didn't.
But the power of hindsight is pretty incredible,
and now I can breath the deep sigh of relief
I was wishing for every night before bed.
With challenges, often come lessons.
And the exercise of looking backward
reveals the learnings of those lessons.

image is my own
On a surface level, the challenges of the past three weeks
alerted me to the changes I need to make
related to how I manage my budget,
and rebuild a nest egg, and all of that grown-up,
logistical mumbo jumbo.

But really, the more impactful revelation from weeks past is the following:
That all my gentle heart requires
is to be surrounded by people who are kind, 

who are sincere,
and who are well-intended.
That's all I ask.
And I'll do my best to make good on
weeding out the weasels from the winners; I promise.
I choose to see the good in everyone.
I believe in the benefit of the doubt- likely to a fault-
and I would never compromise that trait within me.
I'm proud of that.
But now more than ever,
I appreciate the notion that good things happen when you surround yourself with good people.
I now subscribe to this philosophy professionally,
 but this lesson also applies to my personal life.
Here's to a fresh start in February,
new adventures ahead,
and the power of hindsight.
xo

On Perspective...

A week ago, I lost my job. 

I was blindsided by the news- completely floored.

A slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a push into icy cold water- head first.

And it's taken me a full week to fumble through my clumsy thoughts,

although I am still sifting through various emotions.

Tempering my anger, calming my nerves, 

grieving the separation from a team I genuinely cared about.

I'm a worrier, that's a given. 

But rather than focus on the scary,

I want to tell the story of the support. 

Because the truth of it is, 

complaining feels a little trite.

image is my own

I live a pretty exceptional life,

 surrounded by some pretty amazing people,

in a city that has completely captured my heart. 

This past week most especially,

I feel tremendously overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and generosity 

from my colleagues, family and friends. 

It's... it's too much. Too much love. 

Too much kindness. 

Goodness knows, there have been a lot of lessons learned this week.

And there will continue to be a lot of tough days, filled with doubts.

But, in one of the most unfortunate circumstances I have faced, 

I feel like one of the most fortunate women in the world. 

And so today, 

I feel grateful.

On Resolutions

It’s been a while since I shared a tale or two. 

My, how quickly the back half of the year seemed to go.

In an instant, confetti and noise makers signaled a New Year.   

And just like that, we were all granted the chance at a do-over. 

I love the act of making resolutions.

There is something methodical and calming about listing out the actions we pledge to carry out. 

Those that will make us, maybe, a little bit kinder, or a little bit stronger.

 And while some of my resolutions are only for me, too delicate and special to share,  below are a handful of behaviors I would like to enhance in 2013.   

Here’s to continuing to do the things that you give you pleasure with the people that bring you joy.

Happy New Year, my friends.

Speak soon.

xo

image is my own; New Year's Day sunrise

• To drink more green and to read more books.
• To write more letters. And, when asking how someone is feeling, really listen to their answer.
• To recommit to cooking my meals and understanding where the foods I nourish my body with come from.
• To plan at least one epic and awesome adventure this year. Anyone for rafting the Colorado?
• To be mindful that skipping on some ‘spends’ so that I can contribute to a rainy day fund will be the best investment in myself that I make.
• To remember the feeling I have when I run. The fresh, cold air against my face, and how my legs feel strong and my heart feels fierce. To remember that feeling often, and to act on it.
• To be aware of the people around me, and when they might need a gentle nudge, a nurturing hug, or a celebratory high-five.